I'm not one for conspiracy theories. Really. Unless, of course, they involve me and a goverment agency, financial institution, or a delivery service. So far this year, I have fought off the IRS, my bank, and I'm currently at war with my 401k people, but my finances are a forbidden topic on this site, so I'll move on. Currently, I am convinced that delivery service companies are out to screw me.

Today's bitch and moan is about FedEx and UPS. (I already covered the USPS in an earlier post. Bastards.) I'm starting to think that someone doesn't want me to see something in the night sky and they are in cahoots with FedUP. Weather balloons, UFOs, spy planes, whatever. I couldn't care less. I want to see big red/orange nebulas. I want to see distant galaxies. I want to see cool stuff. So, someone please tell me why it's taking a goddamn month for me to get a telescope???? And why these delivery services feel the need to dick around all weekend instead of bringing me my stuff?

It's Tuesday night and my motherf*cking telescope that was suppoed to be here FRIDAY because it was shipped 3-day express, is still NOT here. And, like the geniuses at UPS, it sat at the FedEx hub, 30 minutes from my house, for 3 days before they tried to deliver it. Of course, they tried today while I was at work, but leaving it my enclosed porch which is guarded by a pitbull was apparently not secure enough. (It was for UPS.)

Ordinarily I'd give these guys the benefit of the doubt. I know many of them are hard workers. However, my office just happens to look out onto the parking lot and front door of another office building. So, each day I see several UPS and FedEx trucks coming to drop off packages. Everyday I see just how well each service handles the delivery of delicate objects. Each morning I watch who my co-workers have affectionately dubbed The Angry UPS Man hurl boxes off the back of his truck. Not gently placing down that big cowhide, Gateway PC-containing cardboard crate ... it gets THROWN. Thrown with enough force to sending it tumbling a good 15 feet fom the truck. Lighter packages make great frisbees, by the way. So, I wasn't too surprised when my first telescope arrived via UPS "damaged." (Highly delicate optical equipment really should not be handled in this manner, but hey, I bet it's a real knee-slapper for the boys (and girls) in brown.) The best part is, some of my co-workers actually filmed this box-tossing routine and it's up on our corporate Intranet for posterity. So, there's proof of my accusation.
The FedEx delivery people are much better about handling packages, but can be equally "aggressive." One of the guys who delivers to our building has a habit of ringing the doorbell 27 times in a row, irking the shit out of our receptionist, who has to get up to let him in.
So, here I sit, still waiting for those lazy, box-tossing bastards to bring me my new toy. Unless, of course, there really is something in the night sky more fascinating than this week's Persieds that I could "accidentally" glimpse ...