Free Advice

Free Advice
OK, I'm in a rare charitable mood, so I've decided to share some pearls of wisdom with my readers.
Fine print: I am not singling out anyone in particular, especially since this can be directed at so many people I know. So, if you feel it's directed at you personally, good. Take heed. Pretty soon I'm going to be paid well to dispense medical advice, and I won't be doling it out without charging you.

With that, here are Laura's Rules for People Who Need a Clue:

Women's thangs:
Seeing a gynecologist every year is something you NEED to do. It's not optional. It's unpleasant, but so is having your parts falling out and dropping dead. No excuses. I know several people, myself included, who had life-threatening tumors found during a regular, routine exam. No symptoms, no pain gave me any indication that there was a 5 lb solid mass growing on my uterus and ovary. The doc saved my life. Literally. Cancer can be curable only if it's caught in time. For those of you playing along at home, well-women exams can be a team sport. If you're into that sort of thing. I suggest you pick up one of those Our Bodies Ourselves books before you slap on the latex, tho...

Other medical issues:
Dentist: Twice a year -- once a year bare minimum. And brush them, please. Even if you only have one toof, Ollie, brush it.
Skin: Got moles? Get 'em checked. All of 'em. Yes, even those. Despite what you think, it's not sexy and it is not something to be shown off at parties.
Feet: Don't wear stupid shoes (Karen). Take a hint from lesbians (Karen): sensible shoes work. Spikes = bad. Sneakers = good. Shoes that make you fall down 4 flights of stairs are not recommended (Karen).
Excercise: Just get off your fat ass and move. I shouldn't have to explain this one.
Eyes: Mr. Magoo called. He wants his eyes back. Get 'em checked -- yes even the annoying glaucoma test. Frickin babies. Just stick your eye in the machine, for chrissakes.
Heart: See my advice on exercise.
Brain: Got one? Use it. Enough said.
Weight: Step away from the buffet, put down the Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donut and go to www.weightwatchers.com. Now, fatty.

Relationships:
Honesty at all times. No head games. No cheating. No lying. Respect other people's relationships. Bottom line: The Golden Rule. If you're religious: Do unto others. Do NOT be a doormat. If you think you're a doormat, psychotherapy is available. So are your friends. Listen to them. If you ask for advice, take it. Unless it sucks. Always remember that you can do something in an instant that will give you heart ache for life.

Friendships:
Do not abuse thy friends. No lying. No cheating. No stealing. No coveting. No copying. No excessive, unnecessary drama. See above for subclause on advice. And remember, there are people that want to be your friends and don't know how to show it. Explain it to them. Or show them. There are also people posing as friends with hidden agendas. These people suck.

Family:
It's a fact of life that all families are annoying. Nobody's parents/siblings/aunts/uncles are flawless. Annoying, yes, very. Flawless, no. There is nothing wrong with pointing this out at the appropriate time. If it hurts their feelings, then learn tact. Everyone needs to learn boundaries. People, including your family, will take advantage of you only if you let them. This will only make you bitter and hostile. Like all relationships, familial ones also need 50/50 give and take. If you choose to be the rock, and suck it up and take it on the chin, so be it. Just don't complain.

Personal goals:
Have them. No matter how long, how hard, or how intense, you must, must, must follow your dreams. As my buddy Jack says "You're dead a long time." Make the most of life while you can.

Job: Job sucks? Change it. It's just a job. Boss sucks? Tell him/her. Work too many hours? Do the math -- you're only cutting your salary in half, genius. What's the point of making $$ if you can't enjoy it? See above for quote on being dead a long time.

Money:
Don't have enough? Suck it up. Nobody does. Stop buying useless shit. Cool shit is OK. But useless shit is useless shit. Save your money. Drink the crappy coffee at work. Avoid the stock market right now -- there's a Republican in the White House.

Posted by LA at June 12, 2002 02:53 PM