For reasons known only to her, my mother has been calling me constantly to discuss The Wedding. I'm not that insensitive -- I mean, I do get it. She's very excited for my sister. As am I. I couldn't be happier.
But.
Lately I have been tempted to stab myself in the ears after every conversation with her. Take for example, yesterday. Here's the transcript of call #24. I had just returned home from picking up my tux and my dad's tux.
Her: Hi it's mom.
Me: Hi, tell your husband I have his tux.
Her: You do? Good. Do you have everything?
Me: Yes, the tux, the shirt (which has been a source of confusion because we had to switch from white to ivory), his tie and vest (also a source of confusion because we had to switch colors of these as well).
Her: Do you have his ivory shirt?
Me: Yes, I just said that.
Her: How about his vest and tie?
Me: Mom. Did you listen to me or not. I said EVERYTHING.
Her: Well, is it the right color vest and tie?
Me: No, mom. I intentionally picked up the wrong stuff so I can make another drive across town tomorrow. YES. It’s all there and it’s correct.
Her: Well, what about the suit – do you have that?
Me: [mumbling several curses] AM I SPEAKING IN TONGUES??? WHAT PART ABOUT I GOT EVERYTHING’ DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
Her: Oh, OK, good. [She starts speaking to my dad] Michael, Laura’s on the phone. She says she got … [now talking to me] well, here, you speak to him and tell him what the problem is.
Him: Hi.
Me: I am going to maim her before the week is over.
Him: [Laughing] What’s up?
Me: I have your stuff. Come get it.
Him: OK, bye.
Me: Bye.
2 minutes later the phone rings again.
Her: Hi, it’s me.
Me: What.
Her: Are you on the other line?
Me: Noooo. What’s up?
Her: Who is this?
Me: Mom. Please.
Her: Oh! I thought it was Debbie.
Me: No, actually one of us has to work to pay for my extensive therapy bills.
Her: Are you in therapy?
Me: What do you WANT?
Her: Oh. Well I made you an appointment for a manicure and a pedicure for Thursday afternoon. Are you having your hair done as well?
Me: You have got to be kidding me. No. Mom. My hair is fine. Why do I need a pedicure? I am wearing a tux with shoes – which I shouldn’t have to point out, are not open-toed.
Her: Well, you have horrible feet just like your father, I figured you could use one. Anyway, your appointment is at 3, and Karen’s is at 4. Can you take her there?
Me: [ignoring her comment] Yes, I suppose I can. Anything else?
Her: [entirely too chipper] OK, well I’ll see you tomorrow!! I can’t wait to go play in the sand!!!
Me: You just reminded me to call my doc for a prescription for horse tranquilizers.
Her: OK, Bye!
Posted by LA at July 13, 2004 08:49 AM | TrackBack
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