I think my mother is having some seriously weird empty-nest syndrome reaction due to my sister's move across the country. Last week, she sprung the news on me that she bought Cody a very special Christmas present ... and just can't wait to give it to her.
[The scene: Karen's apartment, 3 days before her move to LA, and 12 hours before some fuck stole my car.]
Mom: Oh, Laura ... Debbie, I bought Cody her Christmas present! I can't wait for her to use it.
Me: [mumbling] Oh jesus. What did you buy her now - or should I not ask?
Mom: [laughing] Oh, you're going to love it!
Me: Well, I sincerely doubt that. I'm still picking up fuzz from the 923 stuffed groundhogs you bought her. What fresh hell can I expect now?
Mom: Well .... [Aha! A clear sign that she's wants to stall, and is avoiding telling me something that will surely annoy me] Because the entire family will be in LA over the holidays, I don't want to wait until December 27th (when we return) to give it to her. So... I want to give it to her on your birthday.
[I glance over at my father, who has begun to fidget and smirk. A cold bead of sweat forms on my forhead.]
Me: Mom, as if the dog even remotely understands the concept of a) time passing and b) the holiday season. It can wait until we get back.
Mom: No it can't. Besides, I want to hear what she thinks of it.
Me: Huh?
Mom: [giggling uncontrollably] You're going to be able to really carry on coversations with Cody now! [more sinister laughing]
Me: Are you off your pills? What the hell are you talking abo--. Mom. No.
Mom: Hee hee hee hee!
Me: Please don't tell me you bought her that!
Mom: Hee Hee Hee Hee!
Me: [looking frantically at Deb and Karen for help] Please. So help me god. Mom, if you bought that dog a bark translator, you're going to the home.
Mom: Just think, she'll be able to tell you what she's thinking!
Me: What if her first words are "Institutionalize grandma, please!" Then what, smart ass?? Hmm??
Mom: Very funny. I think it's cute.
Me: So give it to dad.
Mom: Maybe I already bought him a collar.
Me: [vomiting]
Mom: Oh please.
Me: Does the collar work in reverse? Will it turn your voice into a high-pitched frequency that I can no longer hear?
Mom: I'm giving it to her. Too bad.
**This is what I can expect to find around Cody's neck in 3 weeks. I'll be implementing voice-activated dialing straight to my parents house on my phone shortly thereafter.**
It's comming off when Agador is there. Agador doesn't need to hear son of sam talking.
Posted by: Chrissy on November 5, 2004 12:14 PM